Waiting

Things have been pretty quiet since I returned from my stint in the hospital.  One of my dear friends got married last Saturday so P and I went to NC for the wedding.  It was at a place called the Garden Retreat and it was beautiful.  I was so thankful for the transfusions because they gave me the energy I needed to make it through.  I met a few new people.  One thing I can say is that being a cancer patient make a pretty good conversation starter.

I received my last Erwinia shot ever on Monday.  I feel kinda bad because I was testy with the AIC nurses when I should have been saying my goodbyes.  I think I will be seeing them for one more treatment though, so I will hopefully have another chance.

My biopsy was Wednesday.  I was snappy and irritable while I waited for my premeds.  I actually did snap at one assistant when she asked me if I would be willing to forgo my premeds and go ahead with the biopsy.  A little afterwards, I cried to on one of the nurses because I was so scared.  It was all for naught, though, because the ativan and morphine did bupkis.  The biopsy hurt worse than ever.  I screamed and cried like a child.  P said that everyone was worried about me but I’m embarrassed.  They ended up giving me more ativan and morphine after they were finished, so I ended up sleeping most of the day away.  I’ve been having trouble dealing with things though.  I still break out in tears when I think about it and I’m terrified of having another one done.

Now I’m just waiting on my next appointment.  I’m supposed to start two different oral chemo meds and I’m supposed to get vincristine and another spinal tap on Day One of Phase Five, whenever that may be.  I’m nervous, and as a result, I’ve got a pretty short temper.  I’m trying really hard to reign it in, but I’ve got no patience for, well I don’t know what to call it…let’s say carelessness.  I really don’t want to be around anyone right now because nobody understands what I’m going through and what I’m feeling and I know some people that take my irritation and nervousness personally instead of attempting to understand what’s going on beneath the surface.  Unfortunately, I cannot hide myself in my home.  I’ve made commitments to be around people, so I will put on my smile and pretend that everything is okay.

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