It”s been a while.

All I can say is that I’ve been fighting despair.  I don’t really know why.  All of my test results have been fabulous.  I appear to be winning my fight.  I can’t really explain why I’ve felt like everything was going to shit, I just did.  Perhaps I’m too afraid to let go of my fear.  Maybe I’m worried that if I relax, then the leukemia will come back or I’ll get a secondary cancer.  

Bah.  

I’m starting to slowly let go.  Having a clear head certainly helps.  It’s been close to three months since I got off Lortab.  Withdrawals are not something that I care to repeat, ever.  I still have three hard days every week due to the Methotrexate, but it’s manageable.  

I’m setting goals.  Goals are good, right?  Right now I’m working up the courage to go to the gym.  I’m scared I’m going to pass out in the pool or something so P said that he’d go with me until I’m comfortable going by myself.  I want to take yoga again.  I’ve been considering taking the ‘Silver Sneakers’ classes since I’ve essentially got the body of a geriatric right now.  All the same, my doctor is ecstatic that I joined a gym, but he warned me about MRSA…perhaps I should tell him that I’ve become a bit of a hypochondriac.

I started listening to music again.  I gave up playing music in the house long ago since most genres triggered C’s meltdowns.  Now I just cue up Grooveshark on my laptop and C seems to have a handle on what bothers him, but he ignores most of it.  I’m happy and he’s not screaming in pain.  Win-win.

I’m planning lots of activities this spring and summer.  We’re taking the kids to the Renfair in Atlanta because I’ve always wanted to go and I can justify it as a field trip (we’re covering the Middle Ages in lessons this year).  I also get to plan camping trips since my port got removed.  It’s a bit of a PITA since they have to dig around my pitiful veins for a good stick when I need an IV.  No matter, I’m happy to be able to swim and take a decent shower.  Having to wrap your upper body in saran wrap and hope like hell that no water seeps in sucks.

P and I are also starting to discuss plans for ‘after’.  I’m looking at one more year of chemo, but eight more years of monitoring and biopsies.  We want to move away from here, but we’ve been stuck on the where.  All we know is ‘the beach’.  We’re tied to SC until the study ends, so we’re looking at Charleston.  We considered Hilton Head, but neither of us have been there and we’re not sure if we’d fit in.  I guess it would really boil down to where P could find work.

We’re also tentatively planning a second honeymoon for when I finish with chemo.  I’m torn between going on a trip with the kids and going somewhere for just the two of us.  I’m leaning towards kid-free, but just because P and I never get time alone.  It’s a tough call because we both miss the kids terribly when they’re gone and we enjoy being with them.  Meh.  We’ve still got some time to decide.  

Well, that’s it for now.  I need to kick the dog off the laundry and get back to work.

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