On depression, illness, and taking things for granted

It’s amazing how much we take for granted.  From our loved ones to civil liberties, we rarely take the time to appreciate what we have and what we are able to do.  That’s one of the few things that I can thank my cancer for.  It taught me to take a breath and appreciate…well, life.

I’ve been dealing with pain and fatigue for so long that I forgot how rewarding it was to take care of myself.  Sometime Tuesday evening, shortly after my bloody steak dinner, I got this huge burst of energy and it hasn’t left me yet.  I finally started cooking again and I started organizing cabinets (insert OCD jokes here) and washing dishes and doing laundry.  I know that doesn’t seem like much, and they’re chores that I used to loathe, but for now I appreciate the simple fact that I’m able to do them.

I’ve been so depressed lately and a large part of it stems from the fact that I feel so damned useless.  I know that it’s irrational.  I’m legitimately sick and chronic pain is no joke.  I know that nobody blames me when I’m unable to keep up with dishes and laundry.  But as a SAHM, I feel as though it’s my job to keep the house tidy and such.  It’s all a slippery slope.  I feel sick and the pain gets debilitating so I take time to rest.  The house starts to fall apart because P can’t possibly keep up with it all, and I get grumpy because I hate living in a mess.  I feel guilty for not doing my part, which contributes to my grouchiness.  Cue depression.  Like I said, slippery slope.  It sucks.

Now that I have some energy, I’m playing catch-up.  I’m getting laundry done and I’m organizing some areas that have gotten way out of control.  I’ve got a few project ideas rolling around my head and I plan to get my jewelery supplies out of storage so I can get back to work.  I may even finally get around to opening that Etsy shop, which is something that I’ve talked about doing for years.

Last, but not least, I’m going to pick up the phone and call my friends.  I miss them all so much.  Unlike P, I am a social creature and I really don’t like being so secluded.  A large part of my seclusion stems from the aforementioned pain/fatigue/depression, but another part of it comes from the cancer.  I have found that it is so easy to let yourself experience a sort of disconnect from the people outside of your group of caretakers, but that is a subject all of it’s own and best left for another post.

  • Feeling better? check.
  • Feeling creative? check.
  • Reclaiming my life? double check.

Well, I guess that’s about it for now.  I’ll be talking to you all soon!



**I forgot to add that I had a great visit with the doctor today.  We finally got the test results back and I am negative  for the mutation that affects the body’s ability to metabolize drugs – so yay!  This is something that we were worried about because this mutation would increase my chances of overdosing on chemo,which would basically cause me to bleed to death.  My CBC is looking great and last week’s transfusion put me at almost normal levels for RBCs.  My platelets are finally at normal levels at well.  He has decided to keep me at half doses of chemo since I’m handling it well and he said that I am doing great right now.  I love good doctor’s visits!