Phase V

I started phase five this morning.  I started off with my spinal tap and later got my vincristine.  The good news is that I’m done with that for a whole month.  I began my dose of decadron.  They halved the normal dose since I am so sensitive to steroids.  I’m back to doing my evening finger prick to monitor my blood sugar and I have to call the office if it spirals out of control again.  Fortunately, I only take the ‘roids one week out of the month.  I also started the 6MP, which is one of my oral chemo drugs.  This is the one that I will be taking every single day for the next two years.  I took it a few hours ago, I pre-medicated with an anti-emetic, and I’m still nauseous.  I may actually lose some weight this round.  I start an oral MTX next week, it is something that I will take weekly.  We’ve already run into a snafu. though.  Not only is MTX in short supply and expensive (THANK YOU PHARMACEUTICAL MONOPOLIES!) but they don’t make it in the oral dose that I need to take.  To take what is available to me, I will have to take 14 pills at a time.  We are calling the research nurse in the morning to see if there are any alternatives, but I’m not counting on it.  We’ll see.

Anyway, I’ve got a headache and I’m having hot flashes.  I’m going to *try* to go to bed after I get the pork in the crock pot for tomorrow’s dinner.

night

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Waiting

Things have been pretty quiet since I returned from my stint in the hospital.  One of my dear friends got married last Saturday so P and I went to NC for the wedding.  It was at a place called the Garden Retreat and it was beautiful.  I was so thankful for the transfusions because they gave me the energy I needed to make it through.  I met a few new people.  One thing I can say is that being a cancer patient make a pretty good conversation starter.

I received my last Erwinia shot ever on Monday.  I feel kinda bad because I was testy with the AIC nurses when I should have been saying my goodbyes.  I think I will be seeing them for one more treatment though, so I will hopefully have another chance.

My biopsy was Wednesday.  I was snappy and irritable while I waited for my premeds.  I actually did snap at one assistant when she asked me if I would be willing to forgo my premeds and go ahead with the biopsy.  A little afterwards, I cried to on one of the nurses because I was so scared.  It was all for naught, though, because the ativan and morphine did bupkis.  The biopsy hurt worse than ever.  I screamed and cried like a child.  P said that everyone was worried about me but I’m embarrassed.  They ended up giving me more ativan and morphine after they were finished, so I ended up sleeping most of the day away.  I’ve been having trouble dealing with things though.  I still break out in tears when I think about it and I’m terrified of having another one done.

Now I’m just waiting on my next appointment.  I’m supposed to start two different oral chemo meds and I’m supposed to get vincristine and another spinal tap on Day One of Phase Five, whenever that may be.  I’m nervous, and as a result, I’ve got a pretty short temper.  I’m trying really hard to reign it in, but I’ve got no patience for, well I don’t know what to call it…let’s say carelessness.  I really don’t want to be around anyone right now because nobody understands what I’m going through and what I’m feeling and I know some people that take my irritation and nervousness personally instead of attempting to understand what’s going on beneath the surface.  Unfortunately, I cannot hide myself in my home.  I’ve made commitments to be around people, so I will put on my smile and pretend that everything is okay.